Signoff Rundown

If you work in an office than you know the critical importance of a good email signoff. If you don't, you're either stuck in 1992, still in school, a starving artist or a fashion school grad trying to get a job in PR while pissing your parents money away on Blackberry service.

Everything you're trying to convey, from message to tone hinges on your sign off. Want to move up in the office world? It's not about putting in long hours, or fucking your way to the top, it's about how you sign your emails. From? Get real. If you ever use "from" as your signoff, kill yourself. Sincerely? Only girls and gays say sincerely. If you want to be taken seriously in the office world then you've got to have a deep understanding of what each of your signoffs is conveying. So with that in mind, read up kids, your career depends on it:

Regards - The standard signoff. A well rounded word that can put the proper stamp on any tone of voice. It can be used in almost any situation. Want to put an edge on a passive aggressive correspondence? Think about throwing regards in there. It has just the right air of smug non-chalance to it. The best arena to use this is when scolding an insubordinate. You want to make sure they know how serious you are while also getting an understanding of their unimportance to you. Nothing conveys this better than throwing in a "regards" after a long, jargon filled put-down about proper protocol on something mind numbingly retarded like replacing the water in the coffee machine.

"In the future, please fill to only the 2/3 mark of the coffee pot with water drawn stricly from the Brita filter located on the door of the shared fridge. I know you're new but please understand that these practices have been used in this office successfully for over 10 years. Maintaining a continued pattern of practice is key for preserving top office performance. As a new employee it is crucial that you fit in with this high level of kitchen related vigilance.

Regards,

Your douche bag boss"

Perfect!

Best - Sending an email to a coworker or client with a firm or non-negotiable statement? Need to get across light, but still relatively negative news while keeping a neutral tone? Then sign off with "best". The most bland, PC signoff possible. Best what exactly? Who the fuck knows! Almost as good as...

Warm best - Really? Unfortunately, yes.

When in doubt, throw a nonsensical "warm" and exclamation point on the end of any signoff!

Thanks - Should never be used as a signoff. But always put "thanks" after the last statement in the body of your email. That way, you can get your recipient to think you are the one making the concessions, when in fact you've just completely inconvenienced them by making a last minute change or request. Really want to make them forget you're no longer availble for a 10 person meeting they've worked for three weeks to coordinate? Put an exclamation point after your "thanks." Works everytime.
"Please keep checking our website everyday even though there's no set schedule for posting nor any guarentee the content will be good. Thanks!"

Fondly - A nice friendly signoff. The best for any ass kissing correspondence. Just made a big sale? Just convinced a group of investors to buy in to your company? Perhaps you finally closed on that huge donation to your organization. Even though its your job to do any of the above, you are required to feel some level of guilt or insecurity afterwards. The remedy? An email over flowing with kind words and remarks to your client capped off with a nice "fondly," at the end. Wouldn't want them to think that after all your interactions you were just being fake with them in order to close the deal right!? Oh the irony.
Note* - Warm fondly is a frontier not yet explored

Cheers - Maybe you're British? Maybe you like to have a casual air about yourself, or want to leave your recipient feeling festive. If so, use "cheers." Who doesn't like to receive an email chock full of delegated tasks and meetings to schedule capped off with a "Cheers!" at the end?
"A toast? To doing your work? But, of course!"

Keep in touch - Place on the end of any email to a colleague who has moved on. If that colleague has been fired make sure this is the last email you ever send them. If they've been hired in to managament at a new company you must take this signoff very literally and do your best to follow through, because they wont.

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Warmest regards,

Deuce