Shit Out of Luck

Sitting down to drop a deuce and noticing you're out of toilet paper. This could possibly be the worst, most panic-inducing scenario in the world. For someone like me: a coffe drinker who makes his second home and office in the can with Brickbreaker, GQ and SI; having no toilet paper is one of life's great foils. Because I know what it's like, and because I care, I've laid out your options when having toilet tissue issues:

(Warning, the following contains graphic scenarios of unsanitary butt conditions).

The real problems occur when this happens in the office. At home you're protected by either your room mate supplying an extra roll, sacrificing some cloth like object in the bathroom, or, last case scenario, a purging shower.

In the office it's more rare to run out of TP. There is almost always a back up roll in the stall, and when the janitorial staff comes in and notices the stall running on emergency power they reload it. But, in the odd case that you are shit out of luck (npi), here are your solutions:

1. Ask your neighboring stall mate for some squares. If you're a reasonably confident person who also finds the idea of shit coating the inside of your ass off-putting, then asking this question should be no problem. Generally it should garner a positive response. Unless your neighbor is a straight up douche bag (never discount this possibility), or he's totally socially inept and is frightened by the idea of a solication of this kind, followed up by a hand appearing under his stall, he'll probably oblige. If he does fulfill your request you must use sparingly, as a second ask is too awkward for even me to attempt.

2. If you have no neighbor, the situation gets dicier. If there are other stalls, you're in luck. If not you'll have to improvise even more.
2a. Other stalls: You'll have to get your mind and body right for a quick trip in to another stall. Prepare your best ass-out, pants around the ankles squat, and make haste in to the nearest stall not thinking about anything that could make its way out the back. God forbid someone walk in on this. If this happens, quit your job immediately.
2b. No other stalls: Follow the same prepartion routine as above but make a quick waddle to and from the paper towel dispenser. This is an incredibly high risk scenario and only those with amazing luck should ever attempt it. Again, if you're caught? Quit your job immediately.

There are other, arguably more eccentric solutions to the office TP conundrum. If the above scenarios are too bold for you and the thought of getting caught with your pants around your ankles holding a wad of paper towels is too much to bear then try these. The below is not for the faint of heart however.

1. Change for a 5: If you're not too attached to the stripper tips in your wallet, sacrifice them for the good of your own dignity.

2. Expendable clothing: Don't mind free-balling? Shoes comfortable enough to rock without socks? Maybe the danger of athletes foot, or everyone seeing the outline of your cock through your pants makes more sense than waddling about the bathroom with an unwiped ass.

3. In the unfortunate incident that you're dead broke, free balling, and wearing sandals, you could always go for the:
Jungle Shit. In this scenario you pull your ass cheeks as far apart as possible to reduce skid marks. I've never tried this, nor do I recommend it but I had to put it out there as a worst case, fall back to the Alamo, orange level alert scenario.

I can't say how often or how recently I've been in a situation such as this, but as we all know, it's never pretty. Just remember, don't ever feel shame for improvising a solution. And if your office support staff is lax enough to let this happen more than once? Well, I think you know the answer.