Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Eye of the Tiger

I go on the internet to waste time, and all the superhighway wants to do is suffocate me with more T Woods nonsense. My recent post on the matter criticized people who were alarmed, and...caught off gaurd... by the innocent-looking blasians antics. But this is just getting ridiculous. The mistress count is now in double digits. I'm more concerned with how he managed to commandeer Hermione Granger's time-manipulating device that allowed him to be the best golfer on earth, have sex with dozens of mediocre women, and fool the entire planet, simultaneously. Here are the newest floozes:

#9 Holly Sampson - [Occupation: Porn Star]

#10 Mindy Lawton - [Occupation: Pancake Waitress]

Oldie: Jamie Jungers - [Occupation: Las Vegas model for Trashygirls.com...no, seriously]

Oldie: Rachel Uchitel - [Occupation: "model"]

Oldie: Cori Rist - [Occupation: "model"]

Oldie: Ashley Dupre - [Occupation: who the eff knows at this point]

The list was so long I think I began showing symptoms of carpal tunnel so I called it quits. This guy obviously doesn't discriminate, and loves himself a textbook sluntle. Fo' sho.

To lighten up the mood, here's a few Tiger jokes:

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 300 yards.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Blackberry Messanger 2.0

Are you still stuck in the dark ages of blackberry messaging? Does the boring, simplistic platform of the original BBM software lead to outlandish conversations like the one above? Welp, it didn't take RIMM long to fix that.

Thank You Ace

Click ^ that. Enter your email address. You'll receive the email on ur bberry. Click the download link in the email, follow the prompts, and become a man.

Your Welcome.

Friday, December 4, 2009

No Comment.

About a week ago I woke up on an island. A mental island. Alone. Surrounding this, cerebral oasis, was a sea of jerks. Jerks who, for for some reason, while aware that all athletes cheat on their wives, were in a state of shock when they found out the #1 athlete in the world indulged in alittle (alot) of infidelity of his own.

Is it because he kinda looks like the kid who's binder you use to steal in middle school and draw penis' all over? Or the buddy you sat alittle extra close to when it came time to take a calc exam?

If so, you may want to consider his current $300,000 a day job, and roughly 20 years of golf-nerd celebacy leading up to it.

Ofcourse the rebuttal is, but his wife is soooo gorgeous, who would do that? Great. Good for her. I know people who have cheated on their girlfriends with telephone poles.

that is all

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


When I hit the mega lotto, I often wonder how I will react; how expeditiously my 'drive' will crumble under my new found wealth. I picture myself becoming absolutely, undeniably worthless. You know, creating things of no value. Starting nonsense companies that steamroll into a brick wall, all so I can say that I'm doing something and not just sitting on my use-to-be sculpted ass. Well, apparently this is what happened to Pharell. He just made this:

Pharell Williams' "Tank Car" will be on display at the Galerie Emmanuel Perrotin next week during Art Basel Miami

Off the Record

Hometown Bar, during Thanksgiving

Buddy: You know whats wrong with that girl over there?

Ace: no. what?

Buddy: Shes not sitting on my face.

Ace: ..epic

Monday, November 23, 2009

thats not a prank

Sunday, Buddys apartment

Buddy #1: yea, we use to prank kids pretty hard back in college.

Buddy #2: same, this one time we hid open jugs of milk in one of my fratbrothers room. He couldn't find them for months. His room smelled like a septic tank.

Ace: ha. not bad

Buddy #1: yea that reminds me of this one time when we hid a dead sparrow under my roomates pillow.

Ace: ...what?

Buddy #1: yea, we found this dead sparrow on the street and hid it under his pillow. He slept on that thing for over a week.

Buddy #2: omg. a dead sparrow?? what did he do when he found out

Buddy #1: he pretended like nothing had happened. so, the next day when he left, we threw all his shit out on to the street, and rented the room out to somebody the same day. It was hilarious

Ace: um. dude thats not a prank.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Wake, up

Ugg, Ascot - $100

Leaky Boobs

If you read this blog, you probably don't know about any good blogs, so you're in the dark on a lot of shit. Amy Winehouse recently got her knockers...refurbished. Like my Xbox. She was taking some over-the-counter meds, and according to her dad, Wino caught a "leaky breast". The other leaky boob, of course, being herself

"She saw something oozing out on to her top. She was worried as they looked wonky and to see stuff seeping out was horrible."

I figured she would just mixed the titty splooge with a alittle baking soda in the microwave, do her thing, and continue spinning down the same spiral

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

WTF of The Day

As I surfed Amazon for some holiday deals I was promptly informed on how I could save 3k on this $30,000 Rolex. Oh and its in stock too? Fucking dolts.

The Cypher - Mos Def, Black Thought, Eminem (2009)

Remember when listening to Eminem made you rush to the nearest mirror and rap about killing your wife and blowing yourself? Do you recall 'chiefing danks' and telling your boy how secretly ill Mos Def was, and how in-to conscious rap you were? Or how about never really giving a shit about Black Thought? Speaking of B-thought, your from Philly son. The Philthy. Aka, the pisspoor city I hype over NY solely because my job has me stuck here. And you have the nerve to rock a Yankee fitted?

The nerve of this guy.

Anywhoo, this one will really bring you back.

Carmen Electra Sex Tape

Nah, not really. But sorta. It's allover the net today though. And also allover my roomate's computer screen, with an XL bottle of lotion accompanying the keyboard, which is where I was made aware of the video's existence. I texted him about it, he denied having any knowledge on the matter. As for the video itself, Electra performs some poor excuse for a dance, and for some reason no one will fix the scratched cd playing in the background. Yadda Yadda, she and some other sluntle strip down to lingerie and make out. Then some clown shows up. Then its over.

Truth be told, if I wanted to see women with their clothing on not having sex I certainly wouldn't be on my computer.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Ace Hiatus

Dear Readers,

Chef here, it's been a long time. Yesterday, while staring at my computer screen pretending to do work at my office I received a text from Ace:

Ace, txt: Yoasshole. Your not doing anything with life, start posting again.

I asked him why. He told me he was unavailable. I then asked if he'd mind me building a castle out of the sand in his vagina. He didn't laugh.

It sounds as though his activity will be alittle sporadic for a bit. Though I'm sure he'll have more than enough time to correct my posts, and censor the onslaught of nudity I intend to put up.

It feels good to be back.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

5'6, 144 Lbs. of Philippino Glory

"MANILA, Philippines – Manny Pacquiao barged into boxing immortality by outgunning, outsmarting, and brutally busting up and stopping a game Miguel Cotto in their welterweight showdown at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas to become the first boxer in history to win seven world titles in as many weight classes."

No more than a few months ago, Manny Pacquiao only weighed 102 pounds. My girlfriend is 5'5, nearly 100 lbs. I'm basically dating Manny Pacquiao. Big ups to the Philippines. Next stop, pretty boy floyd.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

English Girl With Tourrettes Stuck With "N" Word...

For me, thanks to the likes of ...every rapper on earth except Will Smith, the "n" word has lost some of its veracity. And calling it the "n" word also makes me queasy. And the idea of being offended by some old-fashioned southerner using it, whose never picked up a pencil and follows it with a "darn tootin", seems, well, dumb. Which brings me to this girl in London, who had me urinating all over the briefs I haven't taken off in two days.

Got Cake?

Meet the #1 rated Exotic Sports Car of 2009, the Lamborghini Murcielago. I'm convinced there are 5 ways to drive one of these: 1) Your a professional athlete, 2) top actor/musician 3) selling drugs or weapons of mass destruction on the black market, 4) running a sarcastically illegal financial company, and or 5) effing one of the aforementioned people, hard. The ace in the whole of course is that it will run you $354,000 - $382,400 and get a remarkable 8 mpg City and 13 mpg Highway. Meanwhile the new Prius gets 48/51 mpg, respectively. Granted you have to love the smell of your own flatulence to own a Prius, or be pardoned because you are Larry David.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Where's My Money

By the Way

Dear Shmuckos

It makes everyone uneasy when you stroll into the pre-game on Sat night in your 6 year old Asics. And washing them in bleach isn't fooling anyone.

Clark Desert Boot - $95


Net Worth

Hova: $547 MM

50: $440 MM

Sean: $385 MM

- forbes

Mike Tysons Punch Out

No, this has nothing to do with the unforgettable original Nintendo game. It does however have a dickload to do with iron Mike knocking bitches the fucks out.

Last night at LAX, Mike was cuffed after getting in an altercation according to the LA times. Tyson was with his daughter and apparently, some jackass ate his Wheaties and had the urge to get in Mikes grillpeice. Challenging him, following him to the bathroom, and so on. Mike reports the guy threw the first punch, the guy suggests otherwise. Regardless, homie quickly found himself riding bitch to the nearest hospital. They pressed charges against eachother, Mike's out of lockup, the other dude is still in the hospital.

Obviously this idiot hasn't ever seen Jurassic Park. When your face to face with a man-eating, primordial monster, especially when accompanied by their young, you're suppose to stay still, jerk. Everyone knows if you stand motionless in front of Mike he can't see you, duh.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

In Yahoo News

Joe Cada is the youngest player to win the World Series of Poker in its 40 year history. The 21 year old Shelby Township, Mich, poker professional "who chose cards over college won the World Series of Poker main event in Las Vegas this morning winning 8.55 MM.

Things I'd do with 8.55 mm

- Have Tyler Perry murdered

- Dismantle Facebook's new Chat Application

- Add the 2-finger mouse scroll thing from Macs, to every PC, while criticizing Mac owners

- Buy 2 pair of every Jordan

- bet $50,000 against the Knicks

- and probably put the rest in my Tdbank Savings only for them to take it from me due to adjusting computer systems. Die Td

Monday, November 9, 2009

Is "Empire State of Mind" the new "New York, New York"

Katt Williams pulls a Winona

And you though the recession was effing your shit up. AP reported today that Katt Williams was arrested for breaking an entering a home in Georgia lastnight. I know, right?! The homeowner hollered at 911 after they caught Katt grabbing items from their home. The comedian, currently with the #8 comedy DVD in America, is still in jail today. Though this isn't Katt's first. Last year he was pulled over for speeding and cops found 3 guns in his whip.

But for real, picture walking into your home and this famous pimped out midget was taking all your shit. I wouldn't know whether to attack, call the police, applaud, or roll a blunt.

Katt's rep said his client's suffering from 'exhaustion'.

An Open Letter to Cheryl David

Dear Succubus,

Hop off Larry's nuts. The man YOU dumped is spoon feeding you a primetime role to rescucitate your non-existent career and all we're getting is beef and attitude? Sorry Ma, but your aged good looks will only take you so far. Does your jaw remind me of a horse a little? Yea, it does. So, be easy before Leon gets in that ass, leaves a snickers wrapper, spits, and writes "Leon was here" allover the walls.

Krup You,

Sunday, November 8, 2009

The Carter - Documentary [sundance]


Its a Wonderful Day in the Neighborhood

Allow me to be the first to holler at the city of Pittsburgh for recently unveiling their homage to Mister Rogers, entitled, "Tribute to Chilrden". Yea, it does resemble more of a tribute to, say, dog poo, but whatev this guy was on point. Remember?

Anyway, at the very least, they won't have to clean bird shit off this thing because it will blend right in.

I Can Transform Ya - Chris Brown feat. Wayne & Swizz Beats

In the Pin Sharin Showers

I must be really disconnected from the life of a former drug dealer turned obnoxiously famous rapper.

In 2007, Wayne forgot he wasn't in the Nolia and opted to smoke a blunt in the middle of a street in New York. To no ones surprise, he was promptly arrested, and police found a .40-caliber pistol on the 4 time Grammy Award-winning artist. Last Thursday, he plead guilty and is expecting to receive a 1 year sentence in February.

Winter Coat Wackness.

Let me guess: You thought the peacoat you just copped would hype your Winter game, right? Wrong. Yes, trashing that bubble North Face and the Patagonia bullshit was a start. Problem is, your newly acquired oversized Peacoat just isn't gonna cut it this season junior. I mean, look at the clutz at the top. He's got a so-called coat on fit for Shaq, with a pink crew neck. Get a clue son. But your probably wondering, "well, then, whats the move Ace?"

The days of dressing like a gene splice of Ghostface and your 8th grade gym teacher are over. Skip a couple baggies next weekend, save a few bucks, and grow up.

Thank You Amazon.com

Sunday, October 25, 2009


Move over Bernie, there's a new Ace favorite in town. Meet Zhenil Ye Gon. On Friday, your boy Z was taking a load off in his Mexico City mansion when a group of dickhead police decided to crash the party and nab the 205 million dollars he had in cash. Yes, you read that correctly, shortydoowop had 205 MILLLLIIOONNN DOOLLLARRRSSSS IN CASHHHHHHHHH.... Lovely. When I have 3 bucks in my wallet I'm checking my should for pickpocketers.

And in case you've been laid off or otherwise smacked by the recession, perhaps you may consider selling "tons of chemicals used to make methamphetamine on the black market", as Zhenil told police. Personally? I'm more of a rum&cokesUntilI'mUrinatingAlloverPeoplesApartments kinda guy. But, yaknow, whatever cooks your grits I always say.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Lohan vs. Blowhan

Granted, we all get older. But its never easy seeing oneself a decade ago. Unfortunately for Hoehan, that shot on the left was 3 years ago. I use to have friends that told me Lindsay Lohan was hot; a regular in their 'alone time' wheelhouse. Frankly, I never saw what they saw in her, but now, she's merely an artifact in their mental Rolodex. An afterthought, annexed to the "ehh, I'd still f her" column that so many of my buddies gloss over with little regard. Ofcourse, in that same collective you'll find unexpected overweights from high school that wore a particularly revealing shirt one day in Health they can't shake from their memory banks. Yea, I hangout with scumbuckets. Wanna fight about it?

Bitches Be Cuhrazy.

Steve Philips

Brooke Hundley

You may, or may not know who Steve Philips is, but he's currently an ESPN analyst and is the former Mets General Manager. I'll keep it short

1. Steve once took a leave of absence following a sexual harassment suit for having sex with a team employee - Rosa Rodriguez.

2. He then starting plowing Brooke Hundley - 22 year old production assistant at ESPN.

3. He told Brooke shit was over.

4. Fyi, Steve's been married the entire time.

5. Brooke writes letter to Steve's wife, discussing their loveless marriage, and her and Steve's subsequent affair. The Letter

6. After delivering the letter, Brooke 'accidentally' smashes her car into a stone pillar after zipping away from Steve's residence.

7. Brooke continues calling Steve's wife threatening, "we both can't have him"

8. Brooke makes a fake Facebook account, claiming she's 16, and friends Steve's son to get closer to the fam.

Yea, what a wacko. But I'm confused as to why men of power cannot, for the life of them, help but cheat on their wives with mediocre subordinates. It be like throwing my ps3 and flat screen out the window only to replace it with a 10 inch tube and original nintendo, without Super Mario. What a dipshit. Eitherway, the moral of the story is, bitches, be, batshit.

Peubs in Your Chinese Food 101

Show me a roach infested whole in the wall with a #2 pencil in some dry rice on the counter, and I'll show you an Ace eager to purchase some good ol' fashioned General Tsao's. And yesterday evening I got alittle fancy; Chose to top it off with a healthy serving of pork fried rice and beef lo mein (im watching the calories), even throwing in a few fried chicken wings doused in 'ha sauce'. As I sat down to watch The Mummy 382407143, staring at my plastic container ripe with MSG - which I'd later be washing and saving as tupperware - I was ready for anything: ants, flies, a ladybug perhaps, who knows. Insects are a fixture of the chinese delicassy I am prepared to maneuver around. It wasn't until several bites in, that I noticed my curly black homie.


Chows Panda King: ahh, hewo. Thankhhuu fo calling Chow Panda King how may I hep uuuu

Ace: yea, I just got a delivery from u guys and found a hair in my general tsoa's chicken

CPK: ohh okk, 1 ordaa of General Tsoa's. Okay, combo platta? Spwing Woll?

Ace: what?! no, no, I already GOT the delivery. ...ughh..fuck, me.... No, I already bought the dinner, there was a hair in it. A peubic hair in fact.

CPK: For derivery?

Ace: uh, yea?

CPK: okkkayy, would u like drink wit that?

Ace: ...okay. No. I don't want a drink. I don't want another meal. I have someone's under arm, or genital hair in my general tsao's here at my apartment already. I know you have my apt # on file. This was like 10 MINTUES AGO!

CPK: large o small?


The strange part of it all is that Asian body's are, fortunately for them, hairless. My korean buddy doesn't even wear deodorant. So, I don't get it. Are they importing these hairs? It escapes me how a peubic hair makes its way to my general tsao's chicken. Are these guys just smacking off and cooking all at once? What the fuck is going on behind that bullet proof window? I guess we will never know. What I do know is, next time, I am cracking, effing, skulls. Belee dat

Why Bob Marley Shoud Not Have Acted As His Own Attorney

Friday, October 16, 2009


How About Some Dumb Quotes

If you go to clown college, what do you call the funniest guy in class?

If it ain't broke, then you need to fix your grammar

If money can't buy happiness, shouldn't pizza, pot & sex be free?

Air Ace

I don't know about you, but sometimes I see some little snotnoze sporting sneakers I use to bring the house down with, and all i wanna do is slap them in the mouth. And by bring down the house I mean either sit on the bench during a bball game, or spill slush puppies on. Moot. Point is, there was nothing like stepping foot into that stale smelling middle school, waiting...no, dying, for some beatup-newbalance-wearing shmuck to congratulate you on your parent's new purchase. And the beauty of it was, these prizes weren't restricted to shorts and a court or game of tag. Nah, these were with everything: khakis, oversized button downs, suits (if you could slip it by the rents), whatever. A real walk down memory lane. Oh, and p.s. I never did the no-homo Sambas.


Super Mario Bros

World's Hardest Game