Michael Phelps, You can eat my ass.

It's a miracle we only have to see this ghoul once every four years. But the thought of people dubbing him "the greatest athlete of all time" makes me want to eat rusty nails for lunch and wash it down with a warm glass of slitmywrists.

I was about to write a dissertation about how much I hate him, when I stumbled upon a wonderful piece by a guy named Tom Brown that took the words right out my mouth:

Dear Michael,

I find it hilarious that people are labeling you the greatest athlete to ever compete in the Olympics.

Take for example, every single person playing basketball in this Olympics. They are faster, bigger, can jump higher, are quicker, and are stronger than you. But somehow you are more athletic...

I find it hilarious that you consider yourself a hero and that you say your favorite color is gold.

Let me tell you something, if anyone with any athletic talent took up swimming at as young an age as you did, they would be lapping you in the pool.

Do you think that little kids grow up saying, "I want to be Michael Phelps!"?.. No, and if they did, we'd all be fucked. They want to be Michael Jordan or Terrell Owens or Derek Jeter or even Wayne Gretzky.

But not you, Michael.

Think about if every NFL or NBA player got a 5-year crash course in swimming. I bet 50 percent of the league would be beating your ass right now.

But keep smiling and pretending you're a hero, and that your country club sport means anything to anyone.

Wow, you can swim. That is not an athletic trait, that is something that is learned. There is no reason that any human should be swimming for speed, there is no point. God put us on land for a reason: to run.

If you've ever seen a high school or college swimmer, you know what I'm talking about. These guys look like they can hardly even walk and have the coordination of a two year old. Yet somehow they still receive scholarships...(oh wait, was everyone who was anyone in high school playing football and baseball during swimming season?) Oh yea, that's right, they were.

You suck Michael.

Sincerely,

T. Brown