I can't be the only one whose TV has been kidnapped and taken over by advertising for this weekend's shit fest movie, "The Women" right? I'm watching sports on SNY or YES and Time Warner and some genius at a XYZ Advertising feels that it's appropriate to flood me with this shit? Who did Meg Ryan have to blow for this to happen?
This movie is destined to fail after a decent opening week but that's not enough for me. It's total take over of my TV viewing life has prompted me to share my feelings about this mockery of a film.
Now, I know I'm a guy and this is a chick flick but I have a good sense of humor and I can at least acknowledge when jokes geared only for women are funny or well written. But every single joke from the ads and trailers for this movie are fucking terrible. Not too mention the fossils they dug up for this film. I understand that they're gearing it towards older middle aged women like my mother who used to love Meg Ryan and Annette Benning back in the day. But even she's moved on. After all the plastic work done on these chicks they don't even look like the same people anymore. The cast of women in "The Women" spans the last 20 years of mainstream TV and Film in varying capacities of success. Let's examine:
Annette Benning - I didn't even recognize you until the trailer guy repped you out in the commercial I just saw. That's not good. You look like an alien. The joke you make in the commercial about this "being your real face, deal with it" is almost too ironic to even joke about. I could insert 15 different Barry Bonds or Roger Clemens jokes here.
Meg Ryan - You were cute 15 years ago but I don't know if you were ever anything more than that. Then I saw you naked in that movie with Mark Ruffalo and realized you were in your 40's. Thus, you are dead to me. Plus, you started looking like the Joker after your last face life. But Jack Nicholson-Joker, not Heath Ledger-Joker, so at least you have that going for you.
Jada Pinkett - You've always looked like a dude, I'm sorry. Collateral was really good though. You did a great job of not getting in Tom Cruise's or Jamie Foxx's way.
Debra Messing - I never saw an episode of Will and Grace. Also, can't say I've ever seen the The Wedding Date or your new show on USA (Congrats for that I guess? You now join the esteemed club of USA Original Programming. The cast and crew of La Femme Nikita welcome you). I don't really know anything about your work. But I also generally stay away from shit so put two and two together. I'm always looking to bag a hot red head though so don't take any of this too personally.
Candice Bergen - I'm not going to lie, I thought you were dead. And judging by how you look in the commercials for this movie, you might be.
Bette Midler - It would be cruel of me to comment on your looks. Plus, you're talented and made a classic Seinfeld cameo so I'll spare you in this column. But you're old and I don't think you've made a respectable career move in 15 years.
Ana Gasteyer - Obviously, seeing how you are a no-list actress you weren't in any of the ad's for "The Women," but I saw you on the cast list on IMDB. Congrats on getting a role here. Being the ugly, mildly funny, character player on SNL for 9 years is finally paying off!
Cloris Leachman - You're 83, so good work just being around to make this movie. I commend you.
And last, through the haze of old, angry, envious cunts we have Eva Mendes. She appears to play the requisite hot, young, bitchy, antagonist who someone's husband leaves his wife for. The rest of the women hate her but will inevitably end up bonding with her in a hilarious and emotional scene near the end while some bullshit song by George Michael or U2 plays over the dialogue. Eva, maybe your agent thought this was a good way to endear yourself to middle aged women and get yourself back in to the good graces of the general public after going to rehab but, seriously, what the fuck are you doing in this movie?
So there you have it. These are the women that have been assembled for "The Women." They clearly tried to get together a group of well liked, reasonably attractive actors with more than a little bit of talent. I get what they tried to do here, I really do. But this movie still needs to go the fuck away
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