Porn A.D.D

Readers, the D has a problem. Remember back in the era before internet porn, perhaps your middle school days, when you could get a hold of a porn tape from your friend with the “cool” (read: creepy) dad or from your man-child friend with the full beard that the dirty, windowless XXX store would sell to? In those days I could watch a tape in its entirety; engage with its characters and their impromptu, office desktop sessions. I could sit and watch those tapes all the way through time and time again (well, except for the pre-sex BJ’s that always ran like eight minutes too long. Who is the porn studio head fueling the continued use of the extended BJ scene anyway??).

Now I can barely watch the same porn for more than 60 seconds. It's fucking ridiculous. The problem is those websites loaded with grids of thumbnail clips. You know what I’m talking about. It’s beautiful really. You see frames of dozens of scenes, you click on one and you get 3 to 4 short clips of the desired porn. They’re laid perfectly too. The first clip gives you a quick background as to why the doctor is finger banging the chick he’s supposed to be giving an innocent breast exam to. The second clip gives you an abridged version of the eight minute BJ (genius! Somewhere the oral obsessed porn exec is slamming his fist on his desk). The third clip gives you one position, the fourth clip, another, and maybe a money shot. You get your whole scene in 2 minutes! And if that won’t do it you go back to the main page and click on another frame. Unfortunately, this system has ruined my porn viewing life.

I have no attention span anymore for whole scenes. I get completely bored and disinterested by a full scene in mere minutes. I need new people, new positions and situations. And frankly it’s exhaustive to constantly switch my clips. I can multi task with the best of them but this is just asking too much. My full scenes have become completely useless.

I’ve also noticed some disturbing trends. I can now identify what porn stars are in a frames’ clip even if their face isn’t in the shot. I can i.d chicks solely by the look of their tits. If the back of their head is in the shot I can often tell who they are by how their hair is styled. I know what website it’ll be by the look or setting of the scene. If the MCAT consisted of matching fake tits to their respective porn star, I'd be at Harvard right now studying to become a brain surgeon. I think I’m genuinely close to having seen 30 seconds of every porn on the internet. What’s worse is that it’s also affecting my actual sex life. Three minutes in to waxing a baby I’m dead bored and want to stop to do a costume change.

So what’s the answer? I don’t know. But something’s got to change.